Absolute Trust & Complete Responsibility

 Absolute trust and complete responsibility.  Those are the words that comes to mind when I think about my third birth.  

After 5 years of praying for another baby, 1 miscarriage, 3 chemical pregnancies, stepping into foster care and raising other babies; we wondered when God would answer our prayer. He finally did. 

Let’s go back… on September 24th, 2018, God showed me that we would have another child. We had been praying and trying for baby #3 for four months at this point.  

Years of trying, praying and waiting came after.  In August of 2021 after a season of pleading with God, He told me that we would be expecting in the next month.  God was faithful and sure enough I saw a positive pregnancy test at the end of September.  

This pregnancy started with absolute trust in the promises God had given me. The first promise came with this verse, “Now to Him who is able to do far more than all we ask or think according to the power at work within us, to Him be the Glory…” - Ephesians 3:20

That verse sums up this story and God gets ALL THE GLORY! 

God gives promises but He also calls us to be obedient.  When the two collide, God is glorified and we are in the center of His will.  Therefore, the questions I kept asking God throughout this pregnancy were… 

- “what do YOU want me to do?”

- “How do YOU want this pregnancy to go?”

- “How do YOU want the birth to go?”

At 7 weeks along I went to the local Pregnancy Resource Center for an ultrasound to confirm pregnancy.  Exactly a year before I was sitting in the same room having the same woman tell me I had miscarried.  I didn’t realize it was a year to the day until the wonderful woman I was meeting with looked back at the paper work. Isn’t God amazing. 

The ultrasound showed one baby growing perfectly!!! 

During the 1st Trimester friends and family asked if I was going to have another home birth or who I was working with.  Jokingly I would say, “I think I’ll just have this baby at home by myself.” It was said in jest but I knew there was something there that I needed to think and pray through.  

After Jasper’s birth 5 years before I remember thinking the midwives hadn’t done anything I couldn’t have done myself. Jasper’s birth was precipitous and the midwives arrived 15 minutes before he was born. While they made the experience slightly more pampered and gave the perception of security, they really hadn’t done anything I saw as necessary and vital that I couldn’t have done. They cleaned up the blood soaked chuck pads, they did my laundry, they checked me routinely because they had to for documentation, they provided the scissors and clamp for the cord. 

As my pregnancy progressed I kept asking God what He wanted me to do.  God kept telling me, “take complete responsibility for your body and your baby, I have given them to you.” At times I would get in my head about it and question God, “But God should I find a doula or a backup midwife etc?”. Every time, God showed me that wasn’t the route He wanted me to go. 

At this point I knew a lot about pregnancy and birth but I started learning more, much more.  I took courses, watched videos, read books, read articles and listened to podcasts.  I studied biological birth.  How had God created it?  What was His original design? How could I steward the way He created me to birth? What inhibits the natural process? What could I do to protect and nurture the natural process? What risk was there? What could I do to mitigate risk? What part of the risk was not my responsibility but God’s alone? I learned and prayed and talked to God about this amazing miracle baby growing inside me.  I prepared and planned and I felt SO confident of the way God had designed birth as well as my ability to give birth. I could see God’s hand working in it all. 

I felt overwhelming peace about the direction God was leading me. My husband, Jadon, had complete peace about it too.  We were excited to fully absorb this pregnancy and birth together. 

Caring for my health and my body in pregnancy was a huge part of preparing as well.  The food I ate, the exercises I did, the supplements I took, the chiropractors I saw, the thoughts in my head… it all mattered and it was all part of me taking complete responsibility. 

There’s a term for women who give birth without medical oversight, it’s called “GIVING BIRTH” - ha!  There is also a term that’s given to 1st world women who give birth without medical oversight.  They are called “CRAZY or UNWISE” and the thought makes others feel fearful.  

Fear is contagious. When God says to trust that includes not inviting the fears of others. Allowing others to speak fear over you takes you out of trust and tempts you to cling to fear (even if it’s not originally your own but someone else's).  I knew that sharing my plans to birth at home by myself would be met with “you’re crazy” or “comments based in fear” so I chose to not say much about my plans.  When asked who I was working with, I would say “someone local” or something similar.  

I was having routine care with my incredible chiropractors so they were who I referenced in terms of medical support.  In all honesty they were a crucial part of my smooth pregnancy, birth and recovery.   

As I learned more about pregnancy and birth I realized how safe I actually was just by trusting the biological process.  Most of the complications within birth come from interventions.  It starts with a cervical check or a membrane sweep.  Or maybe it starts with an alarming ultrasound which shows that “baby is too big”.  One intervention leads to another until the entire event is unnatural, medicalized, urgent and risky.  

On the flip side, if someone will simply prepare their body to deliver their baby and then wait for their baby to come without any interventions, their baby will be born and most likely will not need any medical care to emerge safely into the arms of their mother.  It will be painful but it will be pain with a purpose. Adequate learning can very much prepare a woman to handle the pain. 

As I learned more about birth I realized how passionate I am about natural biological undisturbed birth and I felt God calling me to pursue authentic midwifery (not a medical model) after the baby was born.  Trusting God, brought a calling.  How cool is that! 

At 38 weeks my mom came out to be with me for the birth.  My mom is a very seasoned doula but she was not here to be my doula.  She was here to be my mom; to take care of my kids while I was in labor; to make me food after I had the baby and more.  She was my extra set of hands and support. It’s important to have someone you love, trust and feel safe with to support you in birth. Here’s one reason why. The body opens and expands when it feels safe and it closes and retracts when it feels unsafe. Birth is a time of opening and expanding and that cannot proper all happen if a woman does not feel safe and at ease.

I was much bigger this pregnancy.  I measured about 2 weeks ahead the entire time.  My biggest struggle was heart burn. At 36 weeks I felt so done with pregnancy but the closer I got to my due date the better I began to feel and the more my labor seemed far off.  On June 14th, 4 days after my due date I had a minor meltdown to my husband.  I was tired of being pregnant. I was ready to meet my baby. The waiting was beginning to feel exhausting.  I got outside and walked and talked to God about it all. I listened to my birth playlist and I felt God so close to me.  I felt His peace wash over me and I placed it all in His hands again. I returned home with peace and also a pressing feeling that “today could be the day”.

A few hours later while getting ready to go to a chiropractic appointment I started to feel a few new sensations.  They felt like period cramps.  The tell tale sign however was that they radiated down my legs.  They were so mild that they were barely worth mentioning so we headed to our chiropractor appointment anyways.  About 10 minutes down the road they seemed to get noticeably stronger.  I quickly downloaded a contraction counting app and started tracking.  I tracked my first contraction at 11:07.  I immediately realized that they were consistent. They were a minute long and coming every 7 to 10 minutes.  We decided to turn around and head home because my 2nd birth was precipitous and I didn’t want to give birth in the car or along the side of the road.  As we arrived home, contractions were coming every 5 minutes. 

Back at home it was lunchtime and nap time for the little ones.  My mom and husband put the two youngest down for naps while I ate fried eggs and a cinnamon roll.  If you know me, you know I like to eat cinnamon rolls in labor so I was thrilled with my pre-baby meal.  Somewhere in this time frame, a contraction hit while I was using the restroom and my bowels completely emptied with diarrhea. My body was getting everything ready on it’s own… no castor oil needed. 

It was now almost 2:00. I had been talking with my kids, stretching, doing some squats and cleaning up the kitchen.  I was so relaxed about it all and my contractions seemed to be getting farther apart. They were still a minute long but back to 10 minutes apart. I didn’t want labor to drag out so Jadon went walking with me to get things moving.  Up to this point I was breathing through the contractions easily.  Talking through them didn’t feel good but a few deep breaths and I was ok.  As soon as we started walking my contractions started coming every 3-5 minutes and lasting 90 seconds. Perfect! That’s just what I wanted.  My goal was to stay outside and walk till I just couldn’t any more.  Jadon and I walked from 2:15 to 3:30.  I would walk until a contraction hit and then I would breath and waddle through the contraction.  I truly wonder what neighbors thought as they saw us walk past over and over again. At 3:30 I was feeling tired and like my breathing was going to turn into moaning soon so we went inside.  

I changed into a comfortable dress and headed to the master bathroom to labor in.  The counter was perfect to hold on to as I swayed through contractions. The toilet was right there which is always handy in labor and it’s the furthest room back in the house which makes it feel secluded and safe.  I turned on my labor playlist and began to worship God as I prayed, breathed and visualized my body opening so I could meet my baby. I took sips of water between contractions.  I moaned through the contractions and then cried and sang my heart out in between contractions.  I felt very focused at this point but I had specifically picked songs that made me feel emotional and so crying, praying and singing felt like the perfect combination in this stage.

All the kids were awake and watching a show in the living room. They would run back and forth to check on me but then return to their show. My mom was caring for them and keeping an eye on me.  Jadon was right there with me, just watching and being in it with me.  His presence means everything in birth.  

By 4:00 my moans were getting louder and starting to border on yelling.  My legs were getting tired too so I asked Jadon to bring me an exercise ball to sit on in between contractions. After one round of bouncing on the ball in between contractions, I stood back up and my water broke all over the bathroom floor.  It was 4:23!  Our 2 year old Max was there with me, just watching.  After seeing water splash out of me and then seeing me yell through the contraction that followed like a freight train, he was scared.   I’m so grateful for the break I had after that awful contraction however.  I had time to hug Max and reassure him. That was a special little moment in labor and it felt like a gift from God.  The ability to come back to reality and care for my child in the middle of labor was what my mothering heart longed to do and I think God knew that.  

My water breaking marked transition for me.  I only managed to stay standing for 2 more contractions and then my legs buckled under me and I was down on all fours. 

My daughter Charlotte (7) was now watching as was my mom who was holding our 10 month little girl.  My sons Jasper (5) and Max (2) were still back and forth between watching mom labor and watching a show. All of the kids were prepared to be a part of this birth. We had spent many hours watching birth videos and talking about birth.  At this point my children knew more about birth than I did before my first baby.  Yelling “mom’s water broke” made complete sense to them.  

Once I was down on all fours the contractions that followed were torture.  I was screaming through them and then leaning over to puke into the toilet after each one.  My mom and husband were both telling me to breathe and keep my voice low.  I knew that was the right thing to do but it felt impossible and all I wanted to do was shriek in pain. I yelled at Jadon and my mom to be quiet and stop telling me what to do. It took all I had to get those words out between contractions. 

At this point I knew my baby would be born soon.  I felt like I couldn’t go on any more. I was at the point of desperation… completely broken by labor.  I wanted to somehow escape the pain but I knew that was impossible.  Typically when you are at the end of yourself and feel like it’s impossible to go on, your baby is almost there.  

Suddenly I realized that I needed to get a hold of myself. I was wildly screaming and ready to just roar my baby out.  I knew that was not ideal.  I wanted to breathe my baby out.  I wanted to be cool and calm and collected so I could care for the baby right away and be aware of my own state.  I cried out to God in my head and asked Him to give me the power and control to breathe instead of scream. He did just that.  My next contraction hit and I didn’t scream, I just breathed.  I found out later that my mom and my husband thought my contractions had just totally stopped. They had not though.  I just went silent.  

I breathed and breathed some more. I did a test push to see if my baby had engaged…nothing.  I breathed some more. All of a sudden I felt baby coming.  I put my right hand down just as baby started to crown and I supported its head as it emerged in one push. 

Then I just waited.  My hand was on baby’s head. I could feel a little ear and I could feel movement inside of me so I knew baby was alive. I could hear little comments of awe in the background including, “baby’s eyes are blinking”. I was totally silent and focused though.  I was waiting to feel the baby rotate for the shoulders to come out but there was no rotation.  I gave a little push to see if that felt right.  Pushing felt impossible.  It was as if I had no muscles and there was nothing hanging halfway out of my body.  It was a bizarre sensation to NOT be able to push.   And so I waited for my next contraction calmly, just breathing.  When that contraction hit I gave the smallest push and baby shot out of my body like lightening.   I caught and scooped the baby up and brought it to my chest.  Mid scoop I saw a little penis and said, “IT’S A BOY!!!” I was thrilled and surprised.  Lander McClay Ross was in my arms!!! It was 5:03 p.m. 

My sweet baby boy was vigorous from the start.  His muscles were tensed, he grabbed my collar and I had to pry his little hand off to make sure there was nothing in his mouth or nose.   He felt SO STRONG from the get go.  No one was there to give an apgar score but I guarantee he got a 10! He was vibrant!  

I was partially in shock from it all, holding my baby, catching my breath and trying to settle back into my body after the rush of labor. I drank some orange juice and took some Rescue Remedy to calm my nervous system.  I didn’t say much…I just took it all in.  Everyone else was talking too. All the accolades were showered down and my daughter was crying in joy and awe.  Her reaction was everything!!! She now understands the power of birth and her life will forever be altered by that.  

Just today she told me that every woman’s name should mean “STRONG” because women are the strongest because God created them to give birth! True and powerful! 

The umbilical cord was short and the afterbirth pains were horrible.  I had contractions coming at the same rate and intensity as before; only now I was trying to hold a baby in the middle of them.  I felt desperate to get the placenta out because I felt like the contractions would subside after that.  The placenta wasn’t ready however and so I moved to the bed to lay down.  

I had tinctures to take in case the placenta wasn’t coming out or in case I was bleeding too much.  All of the tinctures caused cramping and contractions to birth the placenta and stop the bleeding.  My body was already intensely contracting on it’s own so I knew I didn’t need them.

I encouraged Lander to latch and start nursing which brought more contractions.  Finally about 40 minutes after Lander was born I felt sure it was time for the placenta to be born. I got up and squatted over a bowl on the bed.  I reached inside myself and could feel the placenta just inside my uterus.  That means it had detached and was just sitting at the opening.  I gave a little push and a little tug on the umbilical cord at the same time and it came right out.  

Now I could bring Lander fully to my chest and my afterbirth pains went from a 10 to an 8… ha! They were still incredibly strong and I felt exhausted by their continuing.  I have learned that women who have had multiple children tend to have stronger afterbirth pains.  

God was so presents through all of this.  He had helped me reign in my pain and panic and breath my baby out and now He was there in the room where I was bleeding and hurting and also soaking in my beautiful baby boy. 

I knew I wanted to take precautions against bleeding too much so I asked my mom to cut off a piece of my placenta and rinse it off.  I tucked that little one inch piece under my tongue for about 15 minutes which prevents hemorrhage.  It sounds awful but it wasn’t bad at all. God gave us what we need to manage birth and afterbirth and I was so thrilled to be able to use that.  I also drank a smoothie with ¼ cup of raw placenta blended up in it. It tasted amazing and I couldn’t taste the placenta at all. My mom made me a few fried eggs with toast too. 

It was dinner time for the kids and so while I sat and ate and drank with Lander and Jadon, everyone else went and got some dinner in the kitchen. 

The first time I got up to use the restroom the amount of blood I saw felt shocking.  It was not too much blood but I realized that I had never seen my bleeding with prior births.  The nurses and midwives were great about just rolling up a chuck pad and laying a new one down so the bed was fresh again.  Seeing blood can cause anxiety and so this was a big one to give to God. God had proven Himself faithful every step of the way and I believed He was allowing my body to only do what it was supposed to do. 

I also knew that I was totally ok because I wasn’t getting dizzy or weak.  There is a lot of blood after birth and that’s normal.  Abnormal bleeding would be much more.  I had to rationally talk myself out of fear and turn to God with trust.  

Lander latched right on and nursed through all of this.  

At 6:30 we felt like it was time to burn the umbilical cord.  This can be done in place of clamping and cutting.  There are so many benefits and after having done it I would chose it every time.  

The kids held two candles under the cord while we prayed for Lander and sang some worship songs.  We told the kids the name we had chosen at this time too.  It was a sacred little ceremony and after about 15 minutes the cord burned clear through and Lander was free.  

I saved the placenta to make placenta smoothies for the first week after birth. 

By this point it was almost bedtime for the kids.  Jadon and my mom got everyone ready for bed and I snuggled Lander.  

We all went to bed like it was a normal day…as if birth was normal… as if babies could just be born into families with kids looking on… as if Grandmas could just support daughters in birth in their own home… as if husbands and wives could just trust God with their baby and their birth… as if God designed birth and His design was VERY GOOD! It was just another day in the Ross home only this time 5 children were kissed goodnight.  

Absolute trust and complete responsibility.  I took complete responsibility and I placed absolute trust in God.  He was faithful and I was obedient and the center of His will felt like a holy place to be as I fell asleep that night.  

Notes on Recovery: 

This birth proved to be my fastest recovery.  I had no tearing, not even skid marks. My milk came in right away. Lander’s umbilical cord came off at 2.5 days. My bleeding stopped at 14 days. I was running at 18 days. Lander never lost weight and instead started gaining a pound per week. 

I do believe the unbothered birth contributed to a lot of that.  I also believe the way I took care of my body in pregnancy contributed to my smooth recovery.