I know you've always wondered the ONE thing that books and websites on pregnancy never cover..."How can I be more uncomfortable during pregnancy?" I mean, really...thanks for covering the...
"How To Throw The Best Party For Your Baby Bump"
"10 Things Your Mom Won't Tell You About Pregnancy...But Grandma Will"
"How To Keep Romance Alive While You Have A Bump That Keeps You An Arms Length Away From Everyone and Everything, Including Your Shoes" and
"99 Things To Never Say To A Hormonal Pregnant Woman Unless You Want To Be Punched"
...but could ya step outside the box and answer this ONE looming question???
Well, I'm here to step in and fill this much needed answer void! It's really simply actually. There's only 1 step.
FALL OUT OF A HAMMOCK HANGING 4 FEET OFF THE GROUND
It works wonders! You'll instantly be drastically more uncomfortable. And to make it even better, this discomfort doesn't wear off; it sticks around for a long time...possibly the rest of your pregnancy.
I'll tell you about my recent experience with this trick. I bought a hammock about a week ago and I'd been waiting for Jadon to hang it up so I could lounge in sun in this comfy, swinging contraption. Well yesterday Jadon got around to doing just that. It took a few tries to find the right location but finally he did and I decided to give the hammock a try. In retrospect, I should have made the dog try it first. Anyways, not more than 5 minutes into climbing into the hammock, one rope came undone and I pulled a Humpty Dumpty and had a great fall.
I landed on the upper part of my back and instantly saw black spots and had the wind knocked out of me. I've been sarcastic about this entire ordeal but it really did hurt and was incredibly scary. I was sure I was going to end up like Joanie Erickson Tada and be have to learn how to paint with my mouth. Being 36 weeks pregnant didn't help with scare. I could barely move or even stand up and since I was long overdue for a trip to the E.R. so we decided this was the time to go.
There is nothing "Emergency" about most of the Emergency Rooms I've been in. We waited a good hour to even be moved from the waiting room back to a random supply corner that they partitioned off to make a spot for us. At this point I was starting to feel a little better, super sore, but I could at least move. I had also felt the baby kick a few times which was reassuring. Since I was past the point of panic I could fully appreciate the ridiculous things that happened at the E.R.
First, there was a man in the waiting area that was sucking down a hot cup of coffee. Either it was the best coffee in the world or he was the most expressive guy in the world. He "ahhh'd" after every slurp and then made little kissing noises in between taking drinks. I couldn't turn my head to see him, but the noises he was making were enough to make a good 8 minutes of waiting totally entertaining.
Then while we were taken back to the makeshift room, the male nurse noticed that I was carrying the neck brace that the reception nurse had given me. He loudly calls out (as if there is an old woman in some corner sitting at a typewriter taking "minute notes" on the entire workings of the E.R.")
"SO SHE'S REFUSING THE NECK BRACE."
"No, I didn't refuse it. I just took it off when it became uncomfortable."
So he says even louder,
"SHE'S REFUSING THE NECK BRACE."
Once again, I reply
"No, I didn't refuse it; the nurse said I could take it off."
And then, in case Matilda typing in the corner didn't hear, he yells
"SHE'S REFUSING THE NECK BRACE!"
At this point I just gave up. Clearly my responses were going nowhere. Apparently I was now liable for my own neck..as if I wasn't already.
The next ridiculous thing was the Doppler they decided to use to try and listen to the baby. It was a about the size of a razor. The nurse goopped my entire stomach up and then rolled that little thing ALL OVER trying to find a heartbeat without any success. She turned the volume up till we were all "static'ed out" and then turned it back down. After trying this for quite awhile she said,
"These dopplers aren't very good", and decided to try a larger one which was sitting RIGHT THERE. Why she didn't start with the larger Doppler, I will never know. Anyways, we heard the baby's heartbeat almost immediately which was a relief.
Ok...it gets even better. While I'm laying there waiting for the doctor to see me, one of the doctors pops his head around the corner of my partion and says,
"How's that breathing treatment I gave you working?" Hmmmmm...breathing treatment? For me?
"Well, if I had one I'm sure it would have worked wonders."
That's when he realized I was the wrong patient and excused himself. Hahahaha!!!! Jadon and I busted up laughing after he walked off.
So....long story short, the doctor finally saw me and felt around on my spine to confirm that nothing was broken. He suggested an X Ray to confirm no fractures but since you're not supposed to get X Rays when pregnant, I declined. Three hours later we left knowing that the baby was OK most importantly, and also that I didn't have any broken bones.
Since then, I've been very uncomfortable...so as you can see this method REALLY DOES WORK!
|My "Emergency Room Pose"|
Notice my sweet outfit. Somehow I didn't have time to put on a respectable outfit before my fall. Crazy, I know!